Wednesday, September 14, 2011

stubborn

I know I am stubborn I could do with some humbling,
but when I think of giving in I can feel myself tumbling.
Something to substantiate my lack of perfection
I take it to seriously,
I see it as r-e-j-e-c-t-i-o-n....
I could not face your correction.

I try to imagine I have no flaws,
my fantasy shattered by slamming doors.
I can no longer defend what it is I now have to mend.


Sunday, September 04, 2011

PMS Hammer

It started like this;
The cat (Spike) was scratching my quilt,
A leg sent her flying as the alarm went off,
tripping out of bed,
and stubbing a toe down the stairs,
waiting at the bottom;
2 dogs with wagging tails (Zuki and Nuno),
and dog piss on the new carpet
= one body boiling on a hot stove.

Screaming “FERK, shit,
Where is the sponge?
Get out the fucking house,
shoo”, shrieks, “get out the fucking house!”
Confused black and tan faces race out the sliding door,
And tails cease to wag.

Get the dogs’ food bowl,
sharp stones pierce my bare feet.
“Shit, where are my fucking shoes?”
Shouting and grinding teeth;
no brain, no kick start, lobotomy please.
The helper is one minute late,
stabbing at my watch,
“I told you not to be late!”

Slam the car door,
and drive past the DVD shop,
remembering the DVD’s 10 minutes post the fact,
when three of them stare back at me.
Angry fingers drum on the steering wheel,
slow assholes drive close to the middle of the road
“move over mother fucker,
father’s bastard,
jissee!”, hands fly.
“Can you not see this is a hand signal, wanker?
Move over!”
Wheels burn rubber,
Over a solid white line.
Evil side GLARE,
Shaking head,
(oblivious fucker),
And me,
the scary road rage bleeder.

At the office;
Grunt at colleagues,
And avoid looking at stray dog hair,
an amused soul offers Nine inch Nails,
Trent Reznor relief?
“No thanks,” sweetly, (fucker),
bullet in my head,
rage, rage
enraged.

The computer chugs along
“hurry up”,
thoughts of plastic and glass,
fast forward,
plastic and a hammer
speed x 4, x 10, x 20
chuck the fucker against the wall
a big hammer,
breaks the sound barrier,
lack of iron in the blood?
Then how does heavy metal pulsate through my veins?
I take the computer
And bashing it against the wall,
either side supported by each hand,
in a tight fist,
as though it were the head of all perpetrators,
smashing it into smithereens
over and over, smash, smash.
Such a bitter-sweet chocolate vision
The shards fall at my feet,
I take the hammer and on my knees,
reduce it to a pile of inconsequential plastic and
unrecognisable shattered glass, scattered
and splintered into my palm
glistening with fresh red drops.
Head-hammer-glass,
Glass,
Head,
Hammer.

“Don’t look at me
Don’t talk to me,
Don’t even think...
about me.” *hiss*

peggy

You rushed in;
Took me by surprise
Flooding the dam wall,
Flooding the river banks.
I am letting you wash everything away

Sometimes you are hard like plated glass
and I want to hold your hand,
there is sadness that lies like dull puddles
In the corners of your eyes
Can I stroke your cheek?

I don’t want to be slammed up against you,
You can be so crazy,
driven like a rabid animal
obsessed, blinded, lightning, thunder
full of bravado and puffed up feathers
Sometimes it’s better to move out of your way

I don’t want to cut you,
You have so many scars
So many disappointments
Your child needs shelter, healing
A place to sleep where you can find peace in your dreams;
Undrugged,
Unpassified,
Unconditioned,
Unbrainwashed,
Uncontained.

Yesterday you looked so small
I wanted to envelop you
Wrap my arms around you a thousand times
Each embrace gentle as the flitting wings of a butterfly
blowing freedom through the tips of your fingers like a soft wind
if only I could make your monsters go away.

Sometimes you look so big
strong, clever, determined
No one can hold you back
tough like an elephant bull
sad, you don’t use your own strength to love yourself
You give it away to others,
sell it for cheap.
Leaving yourself the dregs for survival

Sometimes you overwrought with fever
Like there is a devil in you
And you grasp at me
Looking for someone else
Hiding in my kisses,
I don’t  see you in those moments
You aren’t there.

Who are you?
Drop your guard
What are you looking for?
Drop your walls
Stop
Listen
Drop your preconceived notions
Judgements
Drop your past
Be still.
Take my hand
Maybe you can learn to trust me?
Maybe I can learn to trust you.

Your Edge


Your Edge..

Your edge scares me;
when sharpened with anger,
how do things get so muddled,
we slice ourselves into the confusion.

The puppy needs food, water and shelter
a few jabs too,
what is the smile of its tail-
worth to you?

Your edge excites me;
when serrated with laughter.
spectator of your eyes, tell me your story?
You watch mine too, and say; sad.
They too have their own story.

I say; look, I am the moon
You say no, you see the sun.
I point to the stars, they light only in dark
See, there is no day without night.

It weakens me; the sound of my name,
a van gogh on your lips
there sits an echo - in my ear
and placed against me,
the cool edge sharpened and serrated
profusely, I begin to bleed.